Let's see, when DID it all start. It wasn't that
night, but years before. I was a Sophomore in high
school and she was a Senior (oooooooh). We were both in
the band and I had heard rumours that she liked me and 
wanted to ask me to a school semi-formal dance. This idea
blew me away, because I had never been on a date. The 
reason I had never been on a date was that I am a little bit
different than "normal" people. You see, I was born without
a head. No, not really. Are you awake, now? Read on...

So, to make a long story not-quite-so-long, we went
to the dance, had an awkward but nice time, and she became
my first girlfriend (I was 15 at that time, pretty old for
a first girlfriend). Oh yeah, the real reason I had never
been on a date before was that I really AM a little bit
different than "normal" people. I am a nice guy, who treats
others with courtesy and respect. And we all know that, in
High School, that is completely unforgiveable. So, this
girl was not the most popular, prettiest, funniest girl in
the school, but she was more than good enough. As I look 
back on my life now, she... wait a minute, "she" needs a 
name. I shouldn't use her real name -- we'll call her
"Sarah". 

Sorry about that... As I look back on my life now,
Sarah gave me more than she ever knew she would by giving
me a chance in high school. I say that she gave me a 
chance, although I was even a rung or two above her on the
screwed-up High School Social Ladder. I had never kissed a
girl before or walked hand-in-hand with a girl or gone to 
the movies with a girl or anything before. If nothing else,
it was a good training experience, during which I learned
all the basic human mating skills, even the first few 
lessons on human sexuality, even though we never actually
had sex during that first relationship.

Yes, I say "that first relationship" because life
could only be perfect for so long. Sarah had been a Senior 
and I a Sophomore. She had bigger and better things in
store and, while we did try to keep things going while she
was an hour and a half away at college, she eventually "done
me wrong". Yes, she fell for her math tutor... Bitch.

Anyway, I could tell all the "in-between" parts, but
that would take us a way from the topic -- when did I first
"do it"? So, again, to make a long story not-quite-so-long,
she had her problems maintaining her relationships during
those first couple of years in college and I was a conven-
ient rebound. We got back "together" a couple of times, but
the self-esteem boost I had gotten from her had kept it's
strength and even gained momentum in the time since that 
awkward first date. I was actually leaving her behind in
Social Stature and Coolness, even though I was still, 
technically, a "nice guy".

But, even "nice guys" think from the crotch. It's
no secret and I have to admit it. I soon heard an oppor-
tunity knockin' at my zipper. I hate to make the story less
exciting and spiritually uplifting (!) here, but, quite
honestly, I don't remember many details of the rest. We had
already done a lot of "petting" and heavy breathing 
throughout our "relationship" and we had had all of those
"let's-get-some-air-on-the-hood-of-the-car-before-be-do-
something-we-might-regret" conversations about how she had
been a virgin and wanted to wait until she was married, 
which I respected. Oh yeah, by the way, the math tutor had
taken care of that "virgin" part... Bitch.

So, even though she had started to get on my nerves
in recent months, she did have what I still consider to be
a very nice body. I had long thought of how it would be to
have sex with her... but, remember, I was a virgin, and I
had long thought of how it would be to have sex with ANY-
BODY!! So, nobody was at home one night and we were on the
living room floor and one thing led to another and I just
"happened" to have some condoms on me and...

...cool

As I recall, I was pretty good at it (no, really). 
It wasn't really awkward or anything like that. Do you
remember the line in "Revenge of the Nerds" (no, I don't
consider myself a "Nerd"), when one of the Nerds, whose name
I don't remember, has sex with the football player's 
girlfriend while wearing a mask (she thinks it's her 
boyfriend)? She found out it was the Nerd and was amazed 
that he was so GOOD at it. He then uttered words that are
as true as truth itself. He said that Jocks spend all their
time thinking about sports, and Nerds spend all their time
thinking about sex (remember, I deny being a Nerd). He was
so right. I had imagined sex so many times by the time I 
did it, and I had a lot of reference material -- I mean REAL
reference material like HUSTLER and Swank and Cheri maga-
zines. I had been King Stud in my head long before I had
another person in the room.

Anyway, over the next year and a half, every time
one of us would fall off another relationship, we would get
together and screw like rabbits. Then, just as she would
think she was getting a hold of my heart again, I would rip
it away. She once accused me of trying to get back at her
for leaving me for her math tutor in college -- I think she
may just have a point.