Shooting pigeons in the park

mm

Spare some change, mate?

No.

That wasn't a very good start, was it?

Like to try again?

I mean, when you see a single man sitting on a park bench in a leather
waistcoat, with his legs wide open and torncrotch joggers, reading Pevsner,
don't you think you might draw a conclusion and pitch your marketing
strategy?

But at least you didn't ask for a couple of coppers, which is just as well,
as they are standing behind that tree in the corner.

Which presents an interesting contradiction: if you are going to push me off
the bench and nick my bag, then I'm glad they are there; if you are going to
whack out your cock and shove it in my mouth, I'd rather they weren't.
Balance in politics is difficult.

So how about varying your pitch? Maybe, "I'm an art student - would you like
to brighten my palette?" or "I'm the gardener, are you Mary Magdelene? Wanna
come and see my grotto?"

Do you know the statue outside the formal garden? "Boy attacked by bears" -
he should be so lucky - shall we go and look at it? Yes, I know I'm taking
up your income-generating time: perhaps you aren't too successful though,
here? How about an artist's contract? Let's say ten quid to be decorative
for an hour? You make more selling the Big Issue?

No sculptor could get away with this now! Child pornography. Wonder who the
model was? How long do you have to stand like that to be cast in bronze? Try
taking the pose. Now, to be attacked by a bear. Would a bear get away with
this?

Ever done anything like this before? Like to go a little further - you could
take off your jacket, I'll take off my t-shirt and keep on my waistcoat.
Look more like a bear, you more like the gardener. You see - there is a
career here if we can work on it. Your skin is so white - have you never
been in the sun? Rare in England, but this afternoon, between the showers,
suddenly the bright sun on the acers and the blue and the grass and your
skin thickens the palette.

I'm sure you've never done anything like this before, so stop complaining.
The artist's contract. If you keep your eyes open you can see whether the
police are behind me, and I can see behind you. Statue next step: how would
the boy respond to the bear? They are vegetarians after all. Androcles? Zeus
and Ganymede? How about hugging the bear? Or role reversal, I'll be the boy
and you the bear?

We can probably get away with taking our boots and socks off too - grass and
rain and wet toes. Long and thin your toes. But so white and pink and your
sole so soft. Don't you ever walk in the grass without shoes? I should hope
it tickles, it's meant to - stop wriggling - just clench your muscles or
relax and give in. It's the artist's contract. But keep your fucking eyes
open!

How many people have passed us in the last ten minutes? Or come anywhere
near looking at the statue? You game? Next move. What have you got on under
those trousers? Boxer shorts? Nothing? Off they come. Ah, that's a bit of a
problem, the boy doesn't have that. For someone who hasn't done this before
you're rising to the occasion. Better put them back on, too dangerous. What
do you mean who am I to bottle out? Artist's contract.

OK, what now? Laocoon? Health and efficiency? Films and filming? Tuke didn't
have problems like this in Hyde Park. Malachite and green? How red is your
knob. And the golden hair in the sun. Right up to your navel, all over your
legs, and your arse so hairy. Don't turn round, dickhead, and keep your
fucking eyes open.

If we lie down we can't be seen? But we can't see. We're always safe as long
as you can see further than they can. You are expecting them, they aren't
expecting you. It does detract from attending to the thing uppermost in my
mind, the matter in hand. But survival. And my wallet. Arguments for
openness.

Three boys in baseball caps and bomber jackets on skateboards. Five seconds
up. Can't skateboard on grass with wet fallen leaves. Don't move - just
carry on - the artist's contract.

Advert in Capital Gay: "Would the beggar who asked me for some change in
Holland Park please get in touch - you inspired a short story and deserve a
share of the profit. My reply will serve as identification."