Archive-name: Humour/joyvanhl.txt Archive-author: RICHHed Archive-title: My Pride and Joy van Helsing I'll never forget Joy, and I'll never forget the way we met. Every weekend I go over to a friend's apartment and play games [hide and seek] and I would see Joy standing outside her apartment a few doors down [squatting over a bucket as her toilet was blocked by my bullshit]. I would stop and say hello [come here often?], and we started to chat more and more each time [about train spotting]. Then, one day I showed up, and Joy was standing by the stairs leading to my friend's apartment dressed in this very sexy, killer outfit [I especially liked the chainsaw!]. She was tall, and had a small figure (some might call her lanky [those who hadn't experimented with psychedelic drugs would call her imaginary]), but she was nicely shaped, and this outfit showed of her curves magnificently. And the short, red dress accented her lovely legs [all nineteen] very well. "Wow," I said, "going somewhere tonight?" [thought "do you come here often?"] She replied, "Out with you, I hope!" [did she, fuck!] I was totally taken aback [not realising that I was already tripping]. This beautiful, former model, [yeah, in your dreams] wanted to go out with ME. I must have looked a little shocked [especially when she hit me with the cattle prod] because she looked at me and grinned [as she let off the charge] as she told me that she knew she wanted me ever since she had seen my captivating hazel eyes [rolling around on the post mortem table] Those were her words, not mine. I quickly stammered my approval [how could I refuse, being dead?] so we hopped in my car, and headed out to a movie. I suspected that she wanted a little more than [a shag] to go out when she started snugling close to me in the car [and pulled out a dismembered foot from her handbag]. This was certainly going well, I thought. I was a bit nervous, however, because I hadn't dated [anyone into necrophilia] much at all. Although I was 19, I had never had a girlfriend, and had never held hands with or kissed a woman [but had experimented with our family dog during elementary school]. I wasn't ugly [I was hideous], far from it, but for some reason, I just hadn't had much luck with women [perhaps it was my greasy hair and offensive BO]. Then again, I never really tried [washing] either. But here was this fine babe cuddling with me [and the foot!], and I didn't have to do a thing [I was dead, anyway]. We arrived at the theater a little early, so we decided to kill some [passersby] time by going [joyriding] bowling around the corner. She claimed to [have a bad case of crabs] be a bad bowler, whereas I was pretty good [for a corpse], but she made me a bet as to who would win. I asked what the stakes were [for], and she informed me that if she won, I had to give her a backrub. "OK," I said [vampirically], "but what if I win?" She told me THAT was up to me... [I became increasingly excited at the thought of sapping her blood, but remembered the stakes she had brought with her] Gulp [just one through the heart and that would be it!]. This was getting a little heavy [and sounding a little unlikely], a little fast. About halfway through [her neck] the game I got a strike, and she surprised me with [the blood that gushed from her carotid artery] a kiss as I returned to the pit. After my second strike, she kissed me long and hard [she had no choice]. She turned out to be much better than [my neighbour's dog] she admitted, and I lost [all control]. Or maybe she had [broken wind] distracted me. I knew that she would wind up with more than just a [sore neck] backrub, and I was now openly scared [my fly was open]. I was still a [bad liar] virgin. She sensed my anxiety, and immediately broke into this "I've done it again, haven't I? I came on too strong and scared you [shitless, you weed]..." After much blushing, I informed her that I WAS scared, but because I was a [vampire] virgin, and I knew she wanted more than a backrub. She appologized profusely, and informed me that she didn't think I was still a [vampire - little did she know!] virgin. She could usually spot them a mile away, she said, but I had fooled her [by filing down my fangs]. I took that as a compliment, and smiled [revealing my fangs, now stumps]. "Don't worry, I'll ease you into it [my swollen red pussy]." she promised. Feeling better, we headed off to the movie [taking the dismembered foot with us]. While standing in line, she stood in front of me, and pulled me into a very cosy [pussy] hug, and we [the foot and I] just stood there, rocking and carressing each other . I was definately getting used to this, and she felt it [the foot]. Litterally. She moved [attempted to move] her hand around to my rock hard cock [but it wasn't there], and gave it [the foot] a loving carress as she looked up [my dirtbox], her face beaming , and [glistening with excrement - I knew I was in for a treat: this as well as being a necrophiliac!] pulled me in for a kiss. She frenched me long and very hard, and I was short of [change] breath afterwards. "For never having kissed a [dog] girl before, you learn quick!" she panted [the saliva dripping off her tongue]. What can I say? [how about "here, Lassie!"] I aim to please [animals a speciality]... We had a lot of fun standing in [each other's excrement] line, but it didn't compare with what was to come later. I wasn't feeling scared anymore, some instinct that I never knew I had was awake and working great. We finally entered the dark, nearly deserted [back passage] theater and took our seats. Joy kicked off her high heels, and rested her legs [all nineteen] in my lap as she made herself comfortable. Her dress being as short as it was, gave me a nice view of her [crabs] crotch area. I could make out the shape[s] through her panties, and it looked inviting. As we watched the movie, I ran my hands along her legs, giving them [all] a firm massage. She enjoyed it, and looked completely relaxed [after I gave her a jab of morphine]. She leaned over and [fell off the chair] gave me yet another [case of the crabs] kiss - that was eleven in less that two hours! I had NEVER had [such bad crabs - they really itched] this much fun. I increased the pressure on her legs [to stem the bleeding], and let my hands roam higher and higher, and soon was gently massaging her through her panties. Her hand wound its way over to my pants button, and darted inside [my pants button]... She opened my zipper [from the inside!], and was giving me a very gentle hand-job right there in the theater! This was definately [a hanging offense] intense. Afraid of getting caught, we recomposed ourselves, after another kiss, and finished watching the movie. Next thing I remember, other than a kiss at each red light, I was in her bed, looking down on her angelic face. "I love you, Joy" I [lied] said as I began unbuttoning her blouse. She motioned me to be quiet with the standard finger-over-[pussy]-lips routine as she informed me, "You don't know that yet..." But I did [I really did, honest]. She was [almost dead] special to me already. Imagine my surprise (or rather, lack of) when I opened her blouse to find no [body] bra. I knew that already, my [imagination] hand had found its way there several times thus far, but I was stunned to finally see her breasts freed from their captivity. She had a small chest [filled with kinky love toys], but they were well [used] defined and [rather smelly] firm. Her breasts were nothing short of beautiful. I began kneeding them [all fify-seven] with my large [scabby] hands, and kissed her [neck] deeply [as I drained her blood]. As she sighed, I moved my way down and began kissing her nipples [all fifty-seven - her breasts shrivelled like prunes]. They responded right on cue by growing harder [and drier], and more pronounced. I was fascinated [by their laxative abilities], and began [talking bullshit] sucking and licking her [prunes] tits for all I was worth. She must have enjoyed it, because she began squirming all over the bed [it took me hours to scrape her off]. I could see her dress was [possible evidence] restricting her, so I [threw it in the incinerator] moved down and quickly removed it, along with her panties and nylons. My face was just inches from her hot, jucy mound, [but my body was busy making the tea] and I dove down and gave her a lick. Mmm! Sweet! [Scampi flavoured snacks] I started to dive for more, having decided that I liked [having crabs in my beard] the taste of [seafood] pussy, but she pulled my head back as she [broke my neck] rolled me over and said, "Oh no you don't! I have to [hammer a stake through your heart!] show YOU pleasure. I want to [exterminate all vampires] make this a night to remember..." It already was, but she proceeded to unzip my pants and pull them off. My dick, now free from its hiding place, sprung to attention and gave Joy a nice salute [for a dead vampire]. She bobbed her head down [and came up with an apple in her teeth], and gave my [only] member a kiss. It [the foot] jerked in her hand, and got harder than I thought was possible [it had just bought a switchblade from the survival store]. Joy began licking up and down my shaft and she commented on how wide I was. [I had trouble fitting into elevators] (I am average length [for a gerbil], but I'm quite wide.) After she had given my [shrivelled] penis a bath with her tounge, she took it [her tongue] into her mouth, and began ducking her head up and down as she sucked and twisted [and shouted]. She definately knew [how to do the twist!] what she was doing, and my mind was completely [empty] blown. I was getting my first blow-job! Man did it feel good [Did I mention I like grannies?]. Just when I thought I couldn't [get any more unlikely] take anymore, she stopped. "Please?!?" I groaned [in my dead vampire voice], begging her to continue. She smiled and [killed] kissed me again. "So what do you think?" she asked, "Are you ready to [die] make love?" Boy was I. Being the [vampire] gentleman that I am, I insisted that I stay the night, and be [gone] there in the morning. She told me she had hoped I would [teach her about the night], that she wanted nothing more than to wake up [dead] with me [rotting] by her side and to [strangle] make love to me as dawn peeked [her] its way through the window [I forgot to mention I'm also into voyeurism]. But I couldn't. I had to be home [before sunrise], or [I would turn to dust, and] my folks would have a fit. I promised I would be back tomorrow [night], and that I would stay the whole weekend if she'd have me [as her pet]. From the look in her eye, I knew that wasn't a problem. After about an hour of [racking our brains for more unlikely activities] more hugging and kissing, and getting each other [asphyxiated] aroused to the point of [unconsciousness] orgasm (but never quite [dead] there), we left each other blue balled [yes, a woman can be blue balled, apparently] as I went home [back to my coffin]. I couldn't sleep that night [thinking about her blood all over the mattress - more evidence to destroy] I arrived back at her place around 10 the next morning [night, surely] after giving my folks [an arsenic enema] some excuse about not coming home the rest of the weekend. I don't even remember what it was. We decided that it was far too beautiful of a day to spend indoors, so we headed out to the county fair. I destinctly remember the guys at the game booths looking at Joy, and promising free prizes if she would just come over and give it a try [just one suck]. Personally, I think they just wanted a [blow-job] closer look. It made me excited to see the way [she sucked those guys cocks - reminding my of my college fraternity antics] other guys looked at her, because it was MY arm around her waist, not theirs. We stopped to watch a [live] kiddy [porn] clown show, and started making out [with the kids] under the tent. Joy finally broke away, feeling embarrased about our heavy kissing and petting with all the [underage] kids around. We moved on to check all the [positions] exhibits, and walked through the farm displays. Joy had grown up on a farm, and was quite at home [compulating] with all the animals. The way she carressed the goats, and nuzzled with the horses [huge, horselike manhoods] seemed almost [perverse - but who was I to complain?] sensual. After a quick glance at [my rather miniscule manlike horsehood] me, she suggested we [take one] head home. I couldn't agree more [after all, I had only ever tried my neighbour's dog before]. We waltzed in to her apartment [with our new horse, and our old pal the dismembered foot], and cooled off with some ice-cold lemonaide as we watched some TV [and some TS] and cuddled. I suddenly remembered that I [was dead] owed her [my soul] a backrub, and suggested it to her. She agreed that sounded good, so we moved back to the bedroom, and I had her strip [me] down and lay [me] face down on the [pentagram] bed. I applied some of the lotion on her dresser [and it moaned in a very dresserlike fashion], and began the best backrub I've ever given [a dresser]. Her muscles were quite tight, and I was getting worn out quickly, but she must have [got bored] enjoyed it because she went completely limp and fell asleep. I was glad I had been able to [bore] relax her so well, and I stripped down and [fucked her sleeping corpse] cuddled close as we both fell asleep for about an hour. I awoke to an[other stake through my heart] ever-so-soft kiss, and fluttered my eyes [seductively] open to see Joy leaning over me [the bloody stake in her (one good) hand]. "Looks like you're ready to go [to the abbatoir]," she said as she placed another [stake through my heart] kiss on my erection. "I was dreaming about [tearing] you [limb from limb]," I told her and reached up to play with her [formless] breasts, rubbing my [scaly] thumbs across her nipples. She broke into a [raucous laugh] big smile, and told me "Let's make that dream come true, shall we?" [I was in luck - she was a masochist as well as being a necrophile, peadophile and scatophile] She rolled up [a joint] beside me kissed me deep [this place seems very deep - is it underwater?] as she pulled me into a very cozy [stranglehold] embrace, placing her leg [one of nineteen] between mine [between my leg - the other one was amputated last week], rubbing my dick with her thigh. I responded with by [interesting syntax] massaging her lovely buttocks [all nineteen], and lightly caressing her pussy lips with my fingers. As she broke the kiss [in two places], she asked, "You seem to know just what you're doing, you sure you've never [bullshitted] done this before?" I assured her I hadn't, but that I [lied well] learned quick. She agreed, and rolled my onto my back, and positioned [her garden shears] herself over my straining penis. This was it! I was about to be [castrated] deflowered... I don't remember too much of what happened next, I was lost in a daze. I felt this incredibly soft, warm touch slide down on my dick, and I knew I was now [a eunuch] embedded deeply into Joy's pussy. God did that feel good! [I hated my balls, anyway] She began rocking her hips, and I began a gentle pumping motion, urging my cock further into her smooth, soft cunt. A deeply rooted [carniverous plant] instinct took over, I began exploring her body with my [newly-formed carniverous leaves] hands as she was sitting upright on my lap, pistoning herself onto [the stake that was protruding from my, still bleeding, heart] my rod. She leaned forward and kissed me quickly as her breathing became labored and eratic [like my prose]. I was nearing the point of no return, and quickened my pace, pumping my [stake] penis deeper and deeper into the clutches of her pussy, and after what seemed like hours I lost my [soul] load in a flurry of [blood and gore] cum. This was enough for [one encounter] Joy, who climaxed as soon as my [life blood] sperm began blasting against her pussy walls, her muscles milking my cock as she orgasmed. When I finally stopped spurting, she collapsed on top of me and gave me the best french kiss of my life, with her tounge imitating my [bantam] cock's earlier motions. "God," she groaned, "I've never felt anything like that, you sure [bullshit well] learn quick!" She then layed [an egg] her head on my chest [in it's own presentation case], exhaused, and promptly fell asleep with my still hard [stake] cock buried deep inside her. I held her tight and lay there admiring [the bits of her that were sticking to the ceiling] her angelic face and beautiful skin until I too [died in a pool of blood] fell alseep. After sleeping for what seemed like hours, I awoke to find that it had only been about 45 minutes since I [took the microdot] fell asleep. I felt completely [spaced out] rested (though [my arse was] sore). As the late night moon streamed through the windows [creating these really indescribable visuals], I pulled back the covers and [realised that Joy was the grumpy old man from next door] admired Joy's sleeping form. God was [he] she [ugly] pretty! I couldn't believe my luck that such a [dirty old man] woman had actually pursued me, instead of me pursuing [him] her. I ran my hands over [his] her body, gently feeling every curve and enjoying the soft smoothness of [his] her skin. Her body twitched as my hand slid over sensative parts, and I felt my cock returning to [sender] erection. I rolled Joy [okay, I'll call him Joy for the rest of the trip] onto her back, and leaned down and kissed her. She responded by waking with a slight moan, and mumbled "God [that was some really good acid] I love you..." as she pulled my close as we cuddled and kissed for about [what seemed like] five minutes. My hard penis brushed her pussy [hair into a duck's arse] lips and across her clit as I leaned forward to give her a really deep [no, really deep this time] kiss. "Oh, [no, not another deep kiss!] *I* know what you want," she said in a deep-throated, sexy voice. I responded by [not answering] positioning my dick head at the entrace to her [worm] hole, and slowly [disappeared up my own arse], gently pushing myself in. By the time I was all the way in, Joy was already moaning loudly [about the trippy patterns], and as I began an instinctive [bowel] pumping motion she started writhing on the bed making it very difficult for me to [shit in her mouth] mainting my penetration. I slipped out [of reality], and decided instead to [fly to the moon] again try my hand [with a provencale sauce] at eating her out. I lightly flicked my tounge along her outer [atmosphere] lips, and gently [landed] pushed in, lapping up the sweet [moonrocks] nectar I found there. I marvled at how much like [scampi] honey it tasted, and remembered how some of my friends had complained of the smell, and that they hated [being in the same room as her] eating pussy. The only smell that I noticed [above my BO] was a musky odor of arousal, and I liked it. I lapped relentlessly at her copious juices, occasionally flicking my tounge across her protruding [brows] clit. She shivered as I did this, and finally cried out loudly for me to "Put it in! Put it in!". Afraid she was going to [fall asleep again] wake the neighbors, I was more than [unable] happy to oblige, as [I had lost my erection again] her hand snaked down and guided my dick to [the meat grinder] its target. Despite the excessive amount of [blood] fluids I had licked up, she still had more than enough juice to make my entry smooth. After quite a lot of [mopping up] pumping, I was starting to get tired, but Joy was moaning quite loudly [about the flashbacks] again and I knew she was near [insanity] climax. I delayed my own [flashback] cumming a while longer, and just as I pushed Joy over the edge [of the balcony] I released my second massive load of [drivel] cum into her hot [incinerator] cunt. I rolled Joy on top of [the meat wagon] me, slid down the wall and proceeded to lick her [now maggot infested] pussy clean of my jism, bringing her to [the graveyeard] orgasm three more times as I did so. When I was satisfied that she was [really and truly dead] clean, we lay there together, savoring the feeling of [rotting] flesh on flesh as I watch the [life] flush slowly fade from Joy's face as she drifted off to [eternal] sleep once more. The last thing I remember before falling asleep [for another century] was Joy talking in her sleep as she cried out, "Yes, yes, I'll marry you, Dave...[in your dreams]" I fell asleep with a smile on my face, [thinking "that was some really weird shit, but what can you expect when you're on acid?"] --