Guns {A sequel to Shields!} (Humor, Sci-fi)


"So, what led to the downfall of the human race, then?"  Leading
Teacher Second Class Snod waved his fifth tentacle over the class.

"Yes, Skrark?"

"Guns, Oh Mighty One."

"Correct-- wait a minute-- take your tentacle out of Bunge's
reproductive orifice, Smeta.  Yes, I can see you.  And you, Bunge,
stop encouraging him.  Right, where was I?" 

"The downfall of the human race, Jewel of the Firmament."  They were a
very polite race, especially when addressing their betters.

"Thank you, Skrark."  He cast two of his eyes over the assembled crowd
of students, occupational, third class.  His other three eyes, he
turned to the projectoglobe.  

"Now, we are going to see a rare piece of, what humans called 'video'.
Our scientists have managed to decode it, which was a very difficult
task as the technology was so crude, but no matter.  SMETA! I told you
to stop that!  Right, that's a two-month ban on procreation..."

"But, Oh Spirit of the Gods, she wanted it."  Politeness, and honesty,
like that needs to be rewarded so he turned to her.

"Is this true, Bunge?"

"Yes, Oh Temple of Belief.  I am at the time."

"In that case you will go to the procreation corral at once.  I will
send along the male members of the class presently."  He turned an eye
to Smeta. "You will lead the procreation, Smeta.  You did the right
thing."

"Thank you, Light of the Heavens."

"Right, now the interruptions are out of the way, I think we'd better
continue with the class.  As I said, we have recreated the video and
you are now going to see it and comment afterwards."

The projectoglobe lit up and the lights dimmed.

"This video is Space Force restricted material.  If you are not
authorized to watch this you may be committing an intergalactic
offence," the projectoglobe translated from the text on the screen.

A couple of the class laughed but a quick burst from the teacher's
stun gun and they were silent again, comatose in fact.  Probably for
days.

The writing dissolved to be replaced by a human face on the screen.  A
few of the females held a tentacle in front of each eye at the horror
of the image.

"My name is Commander Brett and I am the leading science officer for
the Space Fleet.  I am recording this historical record into the
research of weapon systems that we have been undertaking, which I, of
course, led."

He smiled deprecatingly and a whoosh of horror passed over the crowd.
Even the teacher winced.

"The research began during the successfully concluded war with the
Morgons.  It was at that time we discovered that the secretions from
certain organs in the female human could be used to produce an
extremely potent protective shield around our ships.  There were, as
there usually are with any modern weapons system, problems.  The
biggest was that none of the male humans could have sexual
relations..."

"Procreation!" said the teacher to the puzzled students.

"...with the female of the species, or the secretion would become
useless.  This led us, after the battle of Urtocon IV, to start
research into what the component was, in male sperm, that could
neutralize the secretion so effectively.  Our research led us to study
the complex mix of proteins and amino acids that made up the sperm.
The problem was that only one particular mix of components could
achieve the desired effect and that was only available from sperm
directly from the male himself.  So we couldn't use our replicators to
duplicate the compound. Furthermore it needed to be at blood
temperature to be effective..."

The camera zoomed in and the students shrank back.  The teacher
bravely stood his ground.

"......The solution presented itself in a curious way.  The women of
the fleet were completely off-limits to the males because of the
neutralizing effect the sperm had on the shield compound.  The males,
therefore, became truculent and belligerent and the incidences of
violence and, indeed, homosexuality, increased dramatically.
Therefore we were forced to construct what we called 'dissipation
chambers'.  These consisted of machines, each of which fitted around
the male's body.  His penis was then sought out and purged of all of
its juices.  The receptors were constructed after careful research
into the dynamics of a female mouth.  In that way we were able to
quell any disciplinary problems aboard the fleet.  We then found that
the sperm from the men could be used to arm a special type of protein
gun.  Initial tests proved extremely positive against the shields, but
the amount of sperm required was immense."

He paused to sip a glass of water.

"The order went out around the fleet that men had to use the chambers
at least once a day.  Still the output wasn't high enough for a full
scale battle.  We modified the chambers so they were total immersion
vessels with full holo capabilities.  Therefore the man was surrounded
by the writhing sensuous women, or men, of his dreams.  This increased
the output greatly.  But the final ingredient bringing the fleet up to
battle readiness was the aphrodisiac we developed.  This heightened
his arousal and also required him to use the chamber on a more regular
basis, hourly, in the case of many of the younger crew members.  In a
battle the men would be given a double dose of aphrodisiac and would
be immersed in the chambers for the duration of the battle."

He looked serious for a moment.

"The first time we clashed with the enemy was a fairly large skirmish
in the Varga 2 system.  It was only an important battle in that it was
completely fought by older members of the crews, all the younger
members being needed to supply fluid to the weapon and shield system.
The battle was a success all in all with only a few men from our side
killed, mainly by heart failure.  It also highlighted a few weaknesses
in the systems.  These led to modifications which allowed the man to
stay inside the chamber for hours, days even, at a time.  Feeding and
effluent systems were installed as were anti-gravity fields.  This
would allow the man to float around and indulge in whatever fantasies
he, and the computer, dreamed up, without any interaction with the
outside world at all.  Full body monitors were designed and installed.
These would match the exertions to the capability of the body.  This
minimized the risk of premature expiry.  The aphrodisiac was fed in
with the sustenance of course.  They proved to be very popular.  In
fact some men became so keen on them that they would disappear for
days.  And no-one would complain of course because it was vital war
work.  Much the same as that the women were undertaking.  We upgraded
their systems too.  They had full immersion chambers built with
monitoring, holo facilities and resource packages fitted.  Much like
that for the men, these chambers could provide an infinite number of
fantasies.  Again these proved popular, especially with the
introduction of an aphrodisiac for them too.  Again, much like the
men, some women were spending more and more time in them.  We could
see a pattern emerging at this point.  First the subject would start
using the chamber on an increasingly more frequent basis.  Then they'd
progress to one or two day sessions.  Finally they'd just stay in
there.  Permanently."

He paused to give himself gravitas.

"This was fine during the on-going war.  The fleet won every battle in
the war and eventually the Morgons sued for peace.  They even handed
back the females they had captured.  They were useless to us now and
they took straight away to the chambers.  I remember one of them, an
exquisite little redhead.  She was offered 'normal' sexual intercourse
and she laughed.  We never saw her again, though you could make out
her body, floating in the void, through the porthole windows.  The
problem came with the peace.  No matter how we tried we couldn't coax
them out.  Neither males nor females.  So we had to leave them, as
space law forbids us to tamper with a working weapons system.  Back on
the home-world, the civilian population got to hear about it and
before long there were queues of volunteers outside every recruiting
office on the planet.  We had to accept them, of course, especially
with the threat of the Quageelers rising now that the Morgon threat
had been removed......"

The students splotched greasily on hearing the human mentioning their
race.

"....Within three years virtually the whole of the younger, fertile
sector of the human race were part of the project.  Then the problems
started.  No children could be born, because there were no parents,
those capable were all in the chambers.  And, although the effects of
anti-gravity were to allow the subjects to stay, effectively, at
whatever age they went in at, none of them ever came out.  So mating
was out.  We tried to inject sperm directly into the females in the
chambers, but the experiment was unsuccessful.  We concluded that it
was because the vaginas were virtually in constant use, night and day.
And it somehow killed the sperm." 
 He wiped his glasses.

"We are few now, the ones outside the chambers.  We've done our best
for those inside.  We have linked replicators to our fusion reactors,
so even after we have gone, they can still carry on with their chosen
lifestyle.  The fusion reactors will last for billions of years.  The
only encouraging aspect is that some of the females and males are
linking computers now.  Some are becoming almost monogamous, both
featuring the same partner at all times.  We are hoping that they may
eventually come out, of their own accord, from the chambers, that the
lure of a certain partner may resurrect the urge to procreate again
and even now, at this late hour, save the human race.  In other words
the only thing that can save mankind is a healthy dose of love."

The projectoglobe went blank.

"Now, before you go off to do your procreation duties, are there any
questions?"